Lady Gaga bigger than God in China, Meat Sweets, Animals make different sounds in the Middle Kingdom, and the Haier brothers (not a band)

• Ordering at bars: there's a guy who stands at the bar, in front of the barman who is on the other side of the bar. You order your drink with the first guy. The barman always hears you so starts preparing. The first guy writes it down, hands it to the barman (who is already preparing your drink) and takes your money. The barman then gives the drink the to first guy, who is in front of him and you, who then gives it to you.  I think that's what your call bar-eaucracy. (cringe)
• McDonald's delivery: yes, it happens.  Enough said. I have mixed views on this.  On the one hand it's clear China's obesity rate has increased according to the figures over the last decade, coinciding with the widespread arrival of western fast food.  On the other hand, it's bloody convenient isn't it - especially if you want a Big Mac late at night! (I couldn’t get a picture of the McDonald’s delivery bike as it sped away but I did get a picture of the KFC one – see picture)
• Finger counting: despite the fact that most people in China can speak Chinese (obviously) the Chinese use finger signs to communicate numbers in trading, buying and gambling.  Want to buy six apples?  Don’t say six, use your fingers!  One, two and three are as you would expect.  Six is made by pointing the little finger and thumb outwards like a devil's horns, and ten by making a cross with your two index fingers. I’ve yet to master 8 and 9 so can only buy things in multiples of six…
• Kisses: having just finished a week teaching at a motivational behaviour camp for high school student on the last day the students asked me to sign their t-shirts as a momento.  Naturally as Brit, I put three kisses after my name.  One student asked me why - I explained.  She then told me that in China, what I thought were three kisses were actually considered as an "XXX" (not the Castlemaine xxx, but the other kind).  Oops.
• The Haier Brothers: are the collective mascot for the Haier electric appliances and white goods company - one of China's largest manufacturers.  An untrained western eye might think they were an interracial gay couple from  LA, rather than brothers.  But you’d be wrong, of course.  Haier is supposedly said to have insisted their branding was kept when exporting products abroad.  Sufficed to say, they didn't sell as many units in the West as they thought they would.
• Meat sweets: sweets isn't my friend.  I actually did write "meat". Beef, eel, pigs brain.  Mmmmmmm.  Children actually eat them too.  They come in little wrappers and taste like...meat sweets.  Not for me I think – I like my meat with vegetables and gravy, thank you very much.
• Animal sounds in China: did you know that animals make different sounds in China than they do in the West?  I didn't.  The sounds for animal sounds in China are different.  Where a western dog might "woof”, a Chinese dog would "fei fei".  A western sheep and horse would "baa" and "neigh" respectively."; whereas at Chinese sheep and horse would "mie mie" and "hui hui".  A duck doesn’t “quack”, it “ga gas” and a bee “weng wengs”.  I've wondered if this is the same for all things - whether a washing machine "chings" rather than "whirrs".  God knows how you'd translate "the wheels on the bus" song.
• Swearing in China:  don't ever do it.  Never.  Ever! Chinese swear words, whilst quite similar to English ones, are considered mug more offensive.  Most will get you into an argument or a fight.  More on this in a later post.
• Lady Gaga: is bigger than God in China.  Quite a bold statement, I know.  Buy get this.  Some of the young hipsters, instead of saying "oh my god" to express exasperation or surprise, say "oh my Lady Gaga"  (我的夫人Gaga) instead.  Shame she won't be allowed to perform in the country in the foreseeable future.  Thank you censors.
• Forgetting British English: whatever we Brits may like to think, and even though we invented the language, the Chinese find it easier to understand American English, and the accent, than British English.  So it pains me when I have to say "sidewalk" in an American accent to explain pavement. Or when I say "for example" in a kind of Texan drawl to be better understood (think "forrrrr eggs ampelle" or "an derrrrrr staand".  Chaucer would hit me.  
• Clothes clones: it's not an infrequent occurrence to see mother and son or daughter wearing the same clothes. See picture.  What I can't begin to fathom is boyfriend and girlfriend wearing the same clothes.  Many a couple spied wearing matching t-shirts, jeans, shoes, hats and sunnies, all in one outfit.  They are the clothes clones.  I suppose the equivalent in the UK would be a guy wearing a yellow or orange Primark dress with a fake tan and the girl wearing a black low cut Topman  t-shirt.
• Speaking of Topman: Generation Y's favorite clothing chain is coming to Beijing.  Yay.  (I still consider myself generation Y - lost.)
• Brevity: the Chinese do not understand the value of brevity on public signs.  Perfect illustrations below.

Annoying my Chinese teacher, again, my gym photo stalker, Chinese swear words (never to be used), Indonesian street fighting and Beijing taxi drivers

Guard your food, China man!

Learning Chinese is hard.  One thing I’ve discovered about myself is that I’m actually quite a shy person (stop laughing) – particularly when it comes to speaking Chinese with other Chinese people.  Because it’s not that good, at the moment, and the Chinese are rather unforgiving about language, AND, rather frustratingly, it’s the best way to practice and learn. 

My Chinese teacher insists on teaching us, testing us, and re-teaching us the characters for the words and phrases we learn.  This is all very useful, you might think.  Except that in a 3 hour lesson, all we end up learning is “How many people are there in your family. Oh, there are three people in my family, my mother, my father and me.  Is your brother married  Do your brother and his wife have children.  My sister is a bank clerk.  Bye Bye”, because we spend so long learning the characters.  My spoken Chinese is way, way better than my written , so it becomes frustrating when I’m learning stuff I already knew.  Phew.  Rant over.

It is fun though.  Apart from the Koreans in class.  They’re usually very hard working and know a lot of the Chinese characters – which makes it bloody easy for them and makes us mere westerners look stupid.  (Some Chinese people call Koreans “Banzi” which means stick.  It’s a term of insult, but I don’t get it). 

Actually, there are few westerners in my school.  There are a lot of Embassy kids, Russians, Koreans and Japanese.  The latter three groups seem very keen to learn Chinese, and there are a lot of them in Beijing.

My teacher is a bit of a hard nut when it comes to teaching us Chinese characters, shouting at us occasionally.  If China had a “rate my teacher” website, I’d rate her as a “closet hard nut inside a frustrated Chinese woman’s body”.  I sometimes tease the her when she’s shouting at us (for generally being a bit thick and not remembering the character for “white” or “sun”) by pretending not to understand her English.  It’s a bit cruel, but quid pro quo and all that.

So I’ve enlisted a personal trainer to help with my 12 week challenge.  His name is Xu Chang Sheng – which means Gentle Strong Victory, which I think is a great name for a personal trainer, and he works at my gym.  I think English personal trainers should have names like his – maybe “Improve Running Strong” or “Yes, I know you have an impeccable body, but that’s because you work in a gym, whereas I work in an office, slumped miserably into a mal-adjusted chair staring at a screen wishing the fire alarm would go off to bring some excitement into my day”. 

When I was trying to negotiate with the receptionist staff with my poor Chinese to get  a personal trainer, I noticed something funny about myself.  Whenever I don’t understand something someone is saying to me, I say “Dui” which means yes.  The more I don’t understand, the more I say “Ah! Dui dui dui dui dui dui dui dui dui!” in the hope that my “dui”s will drown out their question or just make them stop talking.  I must sound like a retard.

The Chinese people who go to the gym find him helping me a little funny.  So much so that one woman asked if she could take a picture of him helping me to do some bicep curls and post it on her Weibo (Chinese Twitter).  Apparently she had 410 Weibo friends, which makes her important, or something, so the fact that a white guy was exercising was interesting enough to post.  Damn.  I wish Stephen Fry would post pictures of Asian men eating, or Chinese men reading or something, on his Twitter feed.

What she should have taken a picture of is me at my new Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) class.  Actually, it’s not really an MMA class so much as one hard nutter teaching me and a few Chinese people how to defend oneself against an attacker with a knife, gun, sharp object, dustbin lid, whatever. 

The teacher is pretty interesting.  He’s an ex US army guy who apparently trained also with the British army.  On his right arm is the British Army’s motto with “Who Dares Wins”.  Apparently it wasn’t done by a tattoo artist, but a fellow soldier, with no tattoo experience.  Hard.

I’ve been to two lessons.  The first, I walked in and he was demonstrating how to come out better from a knife fight.  I thought to myself, I’m never going to be in a knife fight, and may have actually said this out loud to him.  He said you never know.   He had a point (no pun intended), there was no way that I could say 100% that I would never be in a knife fight.  We were then taught how to disable the knife form the attacker, and then use it to stab him/ her in the vital organs, cut their hamstring and making sure they never got up.  I think I’d probably have to apologise profusely if I did that to someone, even if they were trying to stab me.

In fairness, it’s my own fault.  The website told me that I would be taught Indonesian Street Fighting and a couple of other martial arts, so I should have known.  But, like all the weird shit I’ve done so far in China, it’s a good way to meet people.  And if I do ever get into that street knife fight…I’ll probably call the police.

I’ve not stopped my “living on the edge” there.  I’ve started to negotiate Beijing’s roads with my friend’s electric scooter.  It goes at about 3mph and the “beep” sounds like a little girl crying.  But it’s still perilous, especially with the junk food vans taking up the road and the merciless Beijing taxi drivers.

A word on Beijing taxi drivers.  Imagine you could take all the worst qualities of all taxi drivers around the world and concentrate them into liquid spray.  Imagine, then, that Beijing taxi drivers take this spray, and every morning dowse themselves in it like a pig rolling in mud.  They are a pretty special bunch, I have to hand it to them.

Want a taxi in Beijing? On the right side of the road?  Got the right change and are smiling?  No chance.   Trying to get a taxi in Beijing, especially when it’s raining, is like trying to get an American to understand Cheryl Cole. 

The nose of a Beijing taxi, from inside a Beijing taxi

And then, once you’re in the taxi, you better speak good Chinese.  Because if you don’t understand, they’ll just shout it, shout it louder, and shout it even louder again until they go red in the face .  In fact, Beijing taxi drivers are a bit like easy jet.  You ask them to take you to your destination, but actually where they’re going to take you probably a good mile away, because they’re “changing shifts”.  Wow, this blog post is cathartic.   

Let me tell you a story now.  It’s about numbers. No, wait, it’s interesting.  If you want to call someone stupid, you say “Ni shi er bai wu ma?” Which roughly translates as “Are you 250?” Here’s the story.  There was once a good man in China.  He was killed by four bad Chinese men.  Bummer. The Emperor found out, and boy was he pissed.  His advisers told him he needed to capture the four bad men.  And he said “You know what dawg, hold up, I gotta think of me a good plan!”  And so he did.  He ordered his officials to put up posters all around the province where the man was killed, saying that he was actually a bad ass man, and there was a reward for his murder of 1000 of the finest silver pieces.  The four real bad men saw this, and hatched a plan to go to the Imperial Palace to collect their reward. Upon arriving, they each demanded 250 silver pieces.  The Emperor popped a cap in each of their asses, and duly killed them.  Hence, “Are you 250?” (Real Chinese story embellished with modern gangster words for added drama.)

There is also a slight adjunct to this.  You can call a woman 290 “er bai jiu”.  This is because 290 is 250 plus 38 plus 2.  38 is the date of woman’s day in China (March 8) and 2 means you’re dizzy.  So 290 is a stupid dizzy woman. 

But let me tell you this.  The Chinese never use these phrases unless to very close friends.  Which is strange as in England we reserve swear words for when strangers have really pissed us off.  In China, if you swore at a stranger, you’d most likely get punched.  (I learned the hard way – not by being punched, but certainly getting an earful from someone I swore at).   One of the worst is the “f” word.  It translates literally, but it’s taken to have a much more serious meaning in China.  So after being taught all of these pretty creative swear words in Chinese, I can’t actually use them.  Fuck.  

(Please laugh with me at my ridiculous comment)...

Health challenge helps people get fit

July 22, 2011  Filed under Community  

By Wei Xi

The World Health Store (WHS) announced last Saturday that it will launch its second 12-Week Challenge starting next month, when it will provide professional guidance to contestants  about keeping fit through discipline, nutrition and diet.

Fifty contestants took part in the competition last year and 10   were selected as finalists. A total of 100,000 yuan was awarded.

This year, the competition will be expanded to include both Beijing and Shanghai, with 250,000 yuan’s worth of cash and prizes.

During the 12-week competition, contestants will receive tips about training and diet from certified trainers and nutritionists.

Free group classes will also be offered over the weekend in Beijing such as a boot camp, heyrobics – Swedish-style aerobics – and pilates. In Shanghai, free TRX classes and circuit training classes will be offered amongst others.

“The finalists will be the ones with the most inspirational story and transformation,” said Aj Song, WHS’ Beijing marketing and events manager.

“Enhancing lives isn’t simply a tagline – we truly want to help people make a positive change for their health,” he said.

Paul Afshar, a 28-year-old British business communication consultant, is a first-time participant.

He said he was a regular gym-goer and always dreamed of having the perfect body and improving his fitness. But though he plays sports and runs frequently, he’s not sure he’s training properly.

“I think the contest is a fantastic way to encourage and guide people to keep in shape,” he said.  “There are so many people who want to have the ideal body but don’t know how to get it, or need a helping hand.”

Nathan Holdstein, a 26-year-old American, is another contestant. “After learning about the contest, I decided I’ve had enough [of being overweight],” he said. “Enough of the discomfort of squeezing onto airplane seats, enough of people judging me based on my size, enough wondering what I would look and feel like if I were in better shape, and enough of telling myself I have a large frame and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Holdstein set a goal for himself: to lose 8 to 12 kilograms.

He said he also liked the flexibility of the program.

“It is important to provide participants with suggested options for health supplements and exercise classes, but still give them the chance to incorporate their own plans, either with or in place of what World Health Stores has arranged,” he said.

Australian Dalwyn Bateson was one of the finalists for the first WHS 12 Week Challenge, and has applied for this year’s contest once again.

She said the contest last year was inspirational to her.

“My primary goal was to lose weight, and my secondary goal was to boost my energy levels,” Bateson said. “I enjoyed the 12-week deadline – it is result-driven and the countdown is encouraging.”

Bateson said the contest helped her develop good eating habits and prolonged her sleeping hours. She’s participating again this year because she feels she has lapsed into poor habits recently.

Bateson encouraged all contestants stick to the goals they set and keep a healthy lifestyle even after the contest ends.

WHS 12 Week Challenge

Cost: Free

Email: aj@worldhealthstore.com.cn

Website:whs-12weekchallenge.com

Deadline for application: July 31 for contestants in Beijing; July 30 for contestants in Shanghai

http://www.beijingtoday.com.cn/community/health-challenge-helps-people-get-fit

By Wei Xi

The World Health Store (WHS) announced last Saturday that it will launch its second 12-Week Challenge starting next month, when it will provide professional guidance to contestants  about keeping fit through discipline, nutrition and diet.

Fifty contestants took part in the competition last year and 10   were selected as finalists. A total of 100,000 yuan was awarded.

Contestants at the party last Saturday. Photo provided by Aj Song

This year, the competition will be expanded to include both Beijing and Shanghai, with 250,000 yuan’s worth of cash and prizes.

During the 12-week competition, contestants will receive tips about training and diet from certified trainers and nutritionists.

Free group classes will also be offered over the weekend in Beijing such as a boot camp, heyrobics – Swedish-style aerobics – and pilates. In Shanghai, free TRX classes and circuit training classes will be offered amongst others.

“The finalists will be the ones with the most inspirational story and transformation,” said Aj Song, WHS’ Beijing marketing and events manager.

“Enhancing lives isn’t simply a tagline – we truly want to help people make a positive change for their health,” he said.

Paul Afshar, a 28-year-old British business communication consultant, is a first-time participant.

He said he was a regular gym-goer and always dreamed of having the perfect body and improving his fitness. But though he plays sports and runs frequently, he’s not sure he’s training properly.

“I think the contest is a fantastic way to encourage and guide people to keep in shape,” he said.  “There are so many people who want to have the ideal body but don’t know how to get it, or need a helping hand.”

Nathan Holdstein, a 26-year-old American, is another contestant. “After learning about the contest, I decided I’ve had enough [of being overweight],” he said. “Enough of the discomfort of squeezing onto airplane seats, enough of people judging me based on my size, enough wondering what I would look and feel like if I were in better shape, and enough of telling myself I have a large frame and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Holdstein set a goal for himself: to lose 8 to 12 kilograms.

He said he also liked the flexibility of the program.

“It is important to provide participants with suggested options for health supplements and exercise classes, but still give them the chance to incorporate their own plans, either with or in place of what World Health Stores has arranged,” he said.

Australian Dalwyn Bateson was one of the finalists for the first WHS 12 Week Challenge, and has applied for this year’s contest once again.

She said the contest last year was inspirational to her.

“My primary goal was to lose weight, and my secondary goal was to boost my energy levels,” Bateson said. “I enjoyed the 12-week deadline – it is result-driven and the countdown is encouraging.”

Bateson said the contest helped her develop good eating habits and prolonged her sleeping hours. She’s participating again this year because she feels she has lapsed into poor habits recently.

Bateson encouraged all contestants stick to the goals they set and keep a healthy lifestyle even after the contest ends.

Soulja Boy tells Beijing, James Blunt deafens Beijing, calling “penis” in a restaurant, eating pig’s brain, Karaoke Anonymous and Chinese pop.

Whenever I ask my Chinese friends what their favourite Chinese food is, I always get the same answer.  China has so many different types of food – you can’t pick one.  Which is true.  China is massive, and its food so varied.   And there are so many variations on traditional dishes – it’s a bit like being at the cereal aisle in a supermarket, and realising there are 40 different types of cornflakes.

I’m not really qualified to talk about Chinese food in great detail – and to be honest, as long as it’s not still moving whilst still on my plate I’ll probably eat it.  I was very picky with my food back in the UK, but actually you can’t afford to be out here, otherwise you’ll just eat rice.

Add to this the absolute mess I make of ordering things in Chinese eateries, and I probably shouldn’t even be writing this blog post at all.  Let me enlighten you.  I was out with a Chinese friend and her friend who didn’t speak any English.  The time came to get the bill.  The waitresses were very busy.  I called “Fu Wu Yuan”.  It didn’t work.  So my Chinese friend called “Xiao Mei”.  I didn’t understand.  Upon explanation, it turns out Xiao mei comes from “xiao mei mei” which means little sister – and is a polite way of calling the waitress.  So me, in infinite wisdom, called over for a male waiter.  Now, here’s the thing.  Little brother is “di di” – so thinking that I had learnt a new word I called “Xiao di di” to the male waiter.  Problem is, xiao di di means penis.  So I called “penis” out across the restaurant.  Not hot.  But fortunately he didn’t hear, otherwise I might have ended up with a black eye.

Anyways, onto the food itself.  I like Chinese food.  It vacillates between being very good for you and low in fat, to being the greasiest crap you could eat.  But it tastes good.  Mmm. MSG.  There was a scandal recently about the fact that a lot of the fat and oil used to cook most of the restaurant food in Beijing was actually “reclaimed” (I think is the polite way of putting it) from the sewers.  So I’m always a bit careful where I go.

Let’s start with Zhu Nao (literally, Pig’s Brain).  It comes as part of a Huo Guo (Hot Pot).  A word on hot pots:  they are my favourite dish in China.  Boiling water with spices, oil, ginger etc – you put in your meat and vegetables and cook it yourself.  (Can you imagine the health and safety brigade in England letting that one through?)    So the pig’s brain (actually pigs brains – plural – as we were brought several) came raw – and you had to cook them yourself.  Being the brave culinary solider I (wish I) am, in went the brain, out came a gooey, tofu like thing.  Actually, you know how a lot of people say when they eat a rare meat “it tastes like chicken” – well what’s funny is that pig’s brain tastes like…pig’s brain. 

OK, something good.  Beijing Kao Ya (Beijing Duck).  Lovely.  It doesn’t come crispy like the Cantonese style we get in England – and it’s actually fairly lean.  Along with Kung Pao chicken, it’s one of China’s most famous dishes for Laowai (foreigners).  And yes, it comes with pancakes, cucumber and spring onion – although the sauce is a little different.

Alongside Pig’s brain (right), I’ve had cow’s intestine.  And I have to say, it was quite tasty.  The Chinese actually cook and flavour it well.  It’s supposed to be very healthy for you, but then, all of my Chinese friends say x food has y benefit all the time.  Also add to that a delicious Lamb shoulder cooked on Quar – Chinese barbeque.  It was the tastiest thing I’ve had and was smothered in this type of spice which made it hard to stop eating.  Probably MSG.

A good thing about China is that they eat seasonally.  So you won’t usually find dishes on the menu where the main ingredients are out of season.  Apparently it’s better for your health; so you won’t find strawberries in January – unless you’re rich and have them imported.

Now onto entertainment in Beijing.  I’m never short of things to do of an evening, or see during the day.  That’s the beauty of living in a city twice the size of London.  However, there has been one thing which I’ve recently done way too many times for a normal person: Karaoke.  The Beijingers love it.  I love it.  I may need, at some point in the future to set up Karaoke Anonymous, for people like me with a Karaoke addiction. I think I’ve perfected Take That’s “Back for Good” now, after at least 4 times singing it on four separate occasions – (there is not a great deal of choice of Western songs in some karaoke places.)  It’s cheap too.  If you booked you could sing during the day for an hour for 1 RMB!  (That’s 10 pence!).  And in the evening you get access to a free buffet (pig's brain not included).

A word on Chinese Karaoke.  There are obviously more Chinese, Japanese and Korean songs than there are English (language) ones – although I was surprised to see “Five” (of “everybody get up, sing it, five will make you get down down” fame) on the playlist.  I can barely read Chinese.  But that doesn’t matter because there are only 4 characters you need to learn to sing a Chinese song.  And they are these 我 (I) 你 (you) 不 (no/ not) 爱(love).  Most Chinese karaoke pop songs contain a these four words, at least a hundred times.  So when I’m singing along, I just say them in a different order each time. You love me, I love you, you don’t love me, I love you but you don’t love me. Etc.  And I sometimes drop in a “xiao di di” in there for good measure. 

Stop press.  The most important thing to happen to the Beijing music scene since, ever, has just been announced!  Suede, the Cranberries (remember them!) and, wait for it, James Blunt are playing in Beijing over the next few weeks and months.  Their appearances follow the “massive” success of Soulja Boy (of “Soulja Boy tell ‘em” fame) at a Beijing club.  Please read into my sarcasm here. 

Soulja Boy performed at Mics.  Or Vics.  Basically, there is one club called “Vics” (I think) where mainly young Chinese kids go.  Over the road, there is one called “Mics” which is for expats and foreign tourists (mainly foreign tourists).  I’ve been to both.  They’re OK, but a bit Leicester Square for my liking.  Although one thing I have to say is that Chinese girls look extremely hot when they dress up to go to these places. 

Back to James Blunt.  It’s really strange as Beijing seems to be the musical graveyard for middle of the road Western crooners who’ve fallen on hard times to come and perform. The fact is, however, that the Chinese market is way bigger and potentially more lucrative than even the US for music.  I think in the future, you’ll get even bigger acts performing in Beijing and Shanghai.  

If you come to a club or bar anywhere in China, you’ll probably see groups of guys and girls shaking pots of die (what’s the plural of dice – or is dice the plural?!?!) violently as they drink and smoke the night away.  I’ve played this game.  It’s a little weird as it’s actually quite rubbish.  5 dice each.  Shake pot.  Look at numbers on dice.  Tell or bluff that you’ve got four 5s (or any other number).  The other person has to better that.  If you don’t believe them, ask them to reveal. If they’ve bluffed, they drink.  If you’ve bluffed, you drink.  I don’t like it as I actually got quite good at it, and therefore didn’t have the opportunity to drink ;)

One thing I’ve done recently is resolve to myself to visit more places in Beijing – both bars, restaurants and monuments.  It’s easy to get caught up in everyday life when you live in a city.  So my Taiwanese friend and I (who has now gone back to Taiwan – sob) went to Tian Tan – the Temple of Heaven, in Beijing. 

Apparently it’s where the Emperor used to come and pray and give sacrifice for the benefit of his Zhong Guo Men (fellow Chinese people).  I won’t devote much writing to this place as it really doesn’t deserve much.  A nice park, a nice garden.  A temple on the top of a hill, that you can’t go into.  That’s it.

Actually, I’m not being fair here.  It is a pretty serene place.  Although as well as paying entry to the site, you had to pay again to go to see the Temple that you couldn’t actually go into.  So my friend and I joined a large tourist group and pretended not to speak Chinese to get in for free (thank you, 25 RMB saved).

The Temple itself is very interesting and they’ve left a lot of the sacrificial ornaments in there – various animals were sacrificed to appease deities for the benefit of China.  Couple of pictures below.  Oh, and there are apparently a couple of 700 year old trees there, although I didn’t find them.

Over and out. 

(THIS IS A GOOD ONE) Scary McDonald's, "Black people are scary" - not my words, the words of a 12 year old Chinese girl, and eye cigarettes (wtf)

OK.  So this is a bit of a random post, but there have been little events dotted around my time in Beijing which have made me laugh or raise an eyebrow.  Or sometimes both.

The first has to start with my attempts to have conversations in the street with random people.  It must be pretty boring to speak with me, as (due to limited language ability) I’ll always ask about where they live, their job, how their mother and father’s health is (yes, I know, weird), and what they like doing in Beijing.  I think I actually had a 3 minute conversation with someone when I was eating Quar (kind of a street food barbeque – although I’m sure I’ve spelt it wrong) about how much I liked Chinese bread (mantou). 

But the best has to be when I went into a 7-11 convenience store and the following exchange happened:

“Eh, Niaho, You Yan Ma?”

“Shenme?” (puzzled look on his face)  “Dui, wo you”

“OK.  Wo yao le”

“Bu – no way!”

You see the problem was that I wanted some cigarettes – but got the intonation wrong and ended up asking the shop assistant if he had “eyes”.  (Cigarettes and eyes are both spelt “Yan” but said in a different way) So what I actually said was: “Hello, do you have eyes?” to which the shop keeper replied: “What? – yes I have eyes!” and then I apparently asked for his eyes, to which he said “No way”.  Oops.

It was weird, however, when I was in a French restaurant, being served by a Chinese woman.  Her English and my Chinese (or lack thereof for both of us) became an impediment.  So we both ended up speaking French to each other.  Kinda strange consider it was neither of ours mother tongues.

The Chinese are a friendly bunch, and love most people.  But not so much with black people.  For the sake of data protection, said person’s identity shall remain a secret, but sufficed to say when I was coaching a girl for a national spoken English competition and pretending to be a judge asking her to tell me about the time she spent in the US, the following occurred:

Me: “So, tell me more about the time you spent in New York”.

Student: “I liked New York.  But in America there are a lot of black people, and they were scary”.

Me: “Perhaps we shouldn’t say that to the judges.”

Student: “Why, do you think one of the judges will be black?”

Me: “No, but it might be a good idea not to say it anyway”.

Student: “OK.”

Also, when speaking with a friend who organises placements for Chinese Students in US universities, I was told that when Chinese students are asked about their accommodation requirements, their top stipulation is “No black people in the building”.  Ouch.

In fairness, the Chinese are usually very tolerant and peaceful.  In part it’s because most Chinese people have never seen a black person and most likely read about black on black crime problems in America, and even the UK.

Being white, on the other hand, carries a certain curiosity for Chinese people, especially if you can speak a bit of Chinese.  Three occasions illustrate this well.

My friend has been organising this thing called the 12 week challenge.  The idea is that you sign up, and with the help of a few free classes, some personal training advice and the fact that you’ve made a commitment, you try and improve your health and body shape as much as is possible in 12 weeks.

So I helped him, as a favour, hand out some flyers in San Li Tun to drum up support for the launch party.  I was really the only English speaking white person there. But I could speak a bit of Chinese - “Ni Keyi Kan Kan?” which kind of means look at this.  Everyone came to take the flyers off me, because it was a curiosity that I, a white foreigner, would speak Chinese.

The second happened in a supermarket.  I was queuing up to pay and a young guy tapped me on the shoulder.  I thought, because I had a lot of things and he only had a bottle of water that he wanted to go in front of me.  So I ushered him through.  But what he actually wanted to say was

“Hi, can I practice my English with you?”  In the supermarket queue! 

I admired his guts so obliged. Actually we went to McDonald’s (they’re everywhere) later that week where he offered to buy me food and ice cream in return for conversation practice.  Stranger things have happened, but he has actually become a friend now – nice guy.  (Check out this video of the scary music playing at McDonald’s!!!)

I was also asked to do a voice recording for some brand, because of my apparently posh) British accent.

2 hours, about 800 statements or sentences and £30.  Not bad.  I tried to speak like the woman announcer on the tube to make me sound more refined than I actually am.  But the thing which shocked me most was the money you can make by just having a British or American accent.  As this is what most voice recording studios, whether for products, movies or educational materials, want.

Back to the 12 week challenge.  I have signed up.  I’m not sure I’m going to win the 250,000RMB prize money for the person who has improved the most, but it’s worth a try.  To enter, I had to go to the World Health Store (organisers of the challenge) and be weighed, have my body fat, heart rate, and muscle sizes measured in store. So from this semi scientific analysis, I have deduced the following about my body:

I have less body fat than I thought, although I’ve lost 7 kilos over the past 2 months (a bad thing as I’m a skinny rake as it is)

My last cake!

My waist is very thin, but my hips are very wide, like child-bearing wide.  I look like woman!

My biceps are not nearly as big as I thought they were.

Oh well, 12 weeks to go.

Oh, and I played Badminton.  And the Chinese are very good at badminton.  Whereas I am like an elephant on the court.  End of.